TWR Short Hops: Amalgamate
by torchwoodtimelord
Summary: Part of the Resurrection!Verse. Sunday seemed like the best day to get married. Nothing bad ever happens on Sundays. Ever. So how bad could it be when two Doctors, a bounty hunter, and a couple of Ponds show up? Did we mention all the jello's missing?
1. Chapter 1

**Title:** Amalgamate  
><strong>Series:<strong> Short Hops  
><strong>Fandoms:<strong> Doctor Who/Torchwood  
><strong>Fic!Verse:<strong> Resurrection!Verse  
><strong>Pairings:<strong> Ianto/OC, 11/River, Amy/Rory, implied 10/Jack  
><strong>Author:<strong> Z-sama (dA user _the-lady-harkness_)  
><strong>Beta:<strong> TWTL

_**This tale came out of hours spent watching Bridezillas. WE APOLOGIZE FOR NOTHING!  
><strong>Also, this story will make a wee bit more sense if you care to read the following... _**Torchwood: Resurrection**.

_**DISCLAIMER: We don't own Torchwood. We don't own Doctor Who. We wish we could own them both, but we can't. Hell, we'd settle for the K9 spin-off pilot that failed many years ago... but sadly, we can't have that either. All of that is owned by the BBC.**_

* * *

><p>Sunday.<p>

They had settled on a Sunday for numerous reasons. Ianto always had them off from work. James usually had them off unless a major case was going on. And as for the now commonplace extraterrestrial and occasionally apocalyptic happenings on planet Earth... Sundays were suspiciously BORING.

That isn't to say that nothing took place on Sundays, as strange and bizarre events do in fact happen regularly. It's just that they are less frequently disastrous on Sundays.

This, of course, meant that when the TARDIS materialized among the gardens of the posh resort in upstate New York (The original, not the new one) the Doctor was quite confident that it would be a relatively boring and quiet occasion.

He stepped outside, adjusted his tie, and then bent down to tie the laces of the trainer on his left foot. With a grin on his face he stood up straight and turned to offer an arm to his companion. "Come on then. I'm actually on time to one of these things, and I'd like to see the looks of surprise."

…_**Two Days Earlier…**_

"James?" Ianto called as he let himself into their rather crummy little flat. "James!"

The man in question stumbled out of the short hall sleepily. His hair disheveled his shirt undone and half-tucked into his grungy jeans. He rubbed at an eye with the heel of his hand. Shortly after he'd emerged, his dog followed.

"What? I just pulled a three day shift and died twice chasing down the bloody suspect. I'm tired."

Ianto huffed. "The tailor lost our tuxedos," he snapped, slamming the front door. Rose barked at him; clearly she was annoyed.

James shuffled towards the couch, throwing himself on it with a grunt. "So we'll wear something else. Can head out and buy new ones." He yawned, letting his head fall back some against the couch.

"No. There's no time to get new ones altered. I'm good, but not THAT good."

"You found a perfectly fitting wedding dress with less than two hours notice. I'm sure whatever you find will be fine."

"It's Friday James. We've got the rehearsal dinner tomorrow, and I was just informed this morning of both the Doctor's citrus issue-"

"It's just oranges," James said, eyes closed. He didn't notice when the dog had joined him on the couch. But he knew where Ianto was pacing behind the chair to his right.

"And you never told me that Robert had a nut allergy. Nor how even the smell of peanuts could kill him!"

"I didn't know," James groaned.

"He's one of your oldest friends. How could you- you know what. It doesn't matter. I've got to call the caterers and..."

James sighed in relief as he heard his fiancé's voice trail away. Another door slammed, causing Rose at his side to flinch. Without opening an eye the detective knew that Ianto had gone to sequester himself in their home office. Yawning he shifted some to get more comfortable and put his feet up on the coffee table.

"FEET OFF THE TABLE!" Ianto shouted as if he could see him through the walls.

James grumbled, put his feet on the floor and leaned a bit to the right against the arm of the couch. Hopefully, he thought, he may be able to get a few more moments of peace.

**o0o**

He managed an hour and a half nap before Ianto was throwing a clean shirt at him, barking for him to get dressed. And clean. Not in that order.

Knowing better than to argue, James did as he was told. By not making a fuss he was rewarded with a recycled Starbucks cup filled with coffee. That special blend that only Ianto knew how to make, how to mix. So he sipped it. Sipped it in the elevator. On the street. In the cab.

Fueled by this alone he let himself be jabbed with pins and relentlessly measured for the replacement tuxedo by the master tailor Ianto had found on short notice. When the man was done James found a corner, pulled over a chair, and sat. And soon he went right to sleep.

The sounds of his own thoughts were drowned out by the incessant hum of sewing machines and chatter between Ianto and the tailor.

**o0o**

Jessica O'Mally, formerly a hyphenated Harborne, was just stepping off the inbound bus from Dixie when a frantic text found its way to her phone.

Having spent two days on a bus, she didn't bother to read it. Instead, after noticing that her best friend, nor his fiancé, were there to greet her she hailed a cab and thought it best to find her hotel.

Whatever was wrong, she was sure her boys could wait a little longer... It wasn't like it was the end of the world.

That only happened on Thursdays.

**o0o**

By the time he'd been roused from his nap James noticed he was in a cab, handed another coffee, and was somehow holding a conversation with Ianto. Apparently they were discussing seating arrangements for the wedding reception.

Brown eyes fluttered open as he yawned. Quickly deducing the situation he groaned. "Do you just carry on talking when I'm asleep?"

"No. Only when you're at that state of exhaustion where you sleepwalk." Ianto was skimming through a data pad. "Well, I've got the catering sorted. The tuxedo situation is miraculously saved. Drink your coffee. We're meeting Jessica in half an hour, and then you've got to sort the seating."

"Is that what-?"

"Yes. Now drink."

James snuggled back into the corner of the cab and drank his second coffee. Night was falling and the day drawing to a close. The only thing he was looking forward to was hopefully a full night's sleep.

**o0o**

They were late, of course. And Jesse was a bit upset about that.

When her boys appeared at her hotel door of course she didn't let on how annoyed she was. Instead she just stepped aside and let them in. James, she noted, went straight for the comfy chair.

"What took you so long?" Jesse asked, doing her best to be nice. "I've been waiting for an hour. AND no one was waiting for me at the station."

"There was an issue with the tuxedos," Ianto said, nudging his fiancé's food. "And this one keeps nodding off."

"Could always send him home."

James groaned his agreement.

"He still has to sort some tables before Sunday. As it stands we've got the Doctor at two different tables, the Sardosi delegates refuse to sit together, and for some reason we have a table just marked SPOILERS. What does that even-?"

Jesse, though on good terms with the fretting fiancé, only took the data pad because she knew the state her oldest friend was in he'd just muck it all up worse. So she sat on the end of the bed and looked over the arrangements.

"Okay. First things first. The Doctor. James and I have met two versions so far. So, that's why he has a place at the table marked POND and one marked BANANAS. POND for the one that was at my party. BANANAS for the one we grew up seeing." She scrolled through again. "SPOILERS means people you two invited but haven't met yet. With time traveling in-laws, it happens. Get used to that. If you thought the other one's temporal traveling caused problems... you can't have a Time Lord without the REALLY complex timelines and out of time incidents."

"And the delegates?"

She pondered this for a moment. "Well... I'll make some calls tomorrow. But your best option is to break up the table. Put two in with the Ponds, three on Spoilers, and the rest as seat fillers."

Ianto grinned. "Why didn't I think of that!"

Jesse sighed. "Because it's YOUR wedding. No one can keep a straight head when it's their own." She turned off the data pad and set it aside. "Now then, I believe you two owe me dinner. Something big, greasy, and All You Can Eat."

**o0o**

After Jesse was fed and James dropped back at home for some well deserved rest, Ianto and the Sardosi decided it would be a good idea to go over some changes in the plans for Sunday. They'd done this in a little diner down the street from her hotel.

They hadn't exactly become the best of friends since their meeting 16 months ago. In fact the pair of them couldn't stand one another's presence. But they were on good terms... Because it was necessary for them to keep up appearances, and had formed a reluctant alliance for the sake of their shared detective.

Side by side they walked now. He facing forward, she facing back. The night air felt damp, threatening rain. "I noticed," Jesse said, offering Ianto a sip of her tea. He waved a hand in polite refusal as she continued. "Jack's name isn't on the guest list."

"Don't put him on it."

She smiled wryly. "Don't tell me James is jealous!"

Ianto couldn't help but laugh. It was no secret to anyone that knew of their bizarre lives that Ianto had, when he was much younger, been in... Well, he wouldn't call it a relationship. Jack had hated labeling what they had. It was more of a _mutual arrangement_ with a certain Captain.

A captain who had later turned out to be his fiancé's mother.

Most people who knew this didn't like to think about it. Time travel, aliens, paradoxes, and 51st century genetics didn't exactly make it easy to understand it all anyway. But... It also didn't make it hard to believe that James could get jealous.

But Ianto knew jealousy wasn't behind the name left off the list. And in a way, Jesse knew but wouldn't admit it. Not openly. So she covered it with jokes. With laughter.

So Ianto went with it. He'd tried to ask once, but after he found bullet holes in the wall and a mountain of broken electronics... Well, he'd thought they were broken. In reality they were a crude attempt at building a death ray with early 21st century technology. The only reason it was abandoned was James had _lost_ his sonic screwdriver for a month.

He knew, of course, that James hated Jack despite the fact he'd had a good childhood. He was doted on and adored by both his parents. He'd been protected and sheltered. Given every luxury and taught the values of a good man.

But for some reason... James HATED the man who'd raised him. Who'd sacrificed so much to keep him safe and secure.

That, Ianto reasoned, he would never know the reason for. So after the few seconds it took him to think of all these things, these little mysteries as he walked alongside the only other creature that could shed light on them, he finally just smiled.

"Well," he said. "He did swear violence on sheep should Jack gate crash. I believe his exact wording had been _universal genocide of all woolen bleating bastards_."

Jesse's face brightened. Her purple lips smiled then opened to show blue ivory as she laughed. Ianto had to admit he liked that sound. Sardosi laughter, her laughter, was melodic and mesmerizing. "He really say that?" she asked.

He nodded. "Yeah. Right after I asked if I should put him on the list. I know he's allergic but genocide's a little..."

"Overkill. Yeah," she said, no longer laughing but still smiling. "He was turned into one once. Science experiment gone wrong. We couldn't find him for days."

"He must have hated it! How were you able to-"

"Simple. We looked for the only sheep in the herd that was allergic to itself!"

**o0o**

When Ianto finally got back to the flat it was well past four in the morning. He had to get up at 9...

But when he slid into the bed beside his snoring alien fiancé, he sighed. Because he'd taken care of the catering problems, Jesse sorted the seating, and he was able to track down a very good Xaxian tailor in Manhattan who was currently working on their new tuxedos... there was no reason he couldn't sleep an extra half an hour.

As if sensing the other man's presence in his sleep, James rolled onto his side and felt around in front of him. He gave an incoherent mumble when his hand found skin, then he was sound asleep again.

Ianto lay on his side facing him, James' hand resting just above his hip. Just above the waistband of his pajama pants. He watched him. Watched his body shuffle closer every few moments in the dim orange glow filtering in through the blinds that never quite closed all the way.

And once the gap between them was finally closed and he felt his lover's cheek brush against his chest in the dark, he closed his eyes and listened until he, too, fell into the clutches of slumber.

**o0o**

James woke to the pleasant sensation of arms and legs tangled with his own. His right arm was a bit numb, trapped as it was between the warm body of his companion and the mattress.

He took this time to watch him. To study him as he always did when he woke first. He examined the peaceful features of his face as he slept. Mentally comparing this rare sight to the normal expressions he would see throughout the day. He smiled as he imagined what Ianto's first expression of the day may be. Lately it had been annoyance and frustration. More and more often as the date of the wedding drew closer.

What was the point, he wondered. Of weddings, not of the annoyance and frustration over them. Well... he didn't understand that either but he didn't bother to think on it now. Rather, the cause of such things. So you get a bunch of people together to watch you do something you could easily do at a registrar's office. Or on a boat. Or anywhere there's someone with a rank of Captain, really. Or if one managed to corner the elusive and dwindling clergy of the old religious systems then that would do just as well.

He sighed, letting these thoughts drift away as he focused his attention on the man in his arms again. He smiled and pressed a kiss, gentle and chaste, against the closest patch of skin to his face. It was a shoulder. As he did, he tightened his hold, just a little, and caused Ianto to sigh in his sleep and squeeze back.

James closed his eyes. He didn't go back to sleep, only relaxed and rested. Enjoying the peace of the early morning while it lasted.

**o0o**

Jesse was unable to sleep after her night out with her best friend's fiancé. She'd ordered room service, watched a few of the old films on order through the telly, and then finally pulled out her computer.

She spent the hours until dawn browsing the internet (which she was pleased to discover was much improved over Dixie's _InfoNet_ in that it was not so heavily censured that it required quite a bit of hacking to find what you needed and wanted to find) and writing poetry.

The hours crept by as she tried to kill the time. She'd even logged into Facebook. Something she rarely ever did anymore since she'd found the military of New Dixie was using it to track terrorist activities and to bust anyone who was deemed _unsuitable_. She had smiled when she'd been told this by her old friend Bobby, knowing it meant to pass the word along to the **Under 18** population.

"It pays to have a friend in the military," she said to herself as she changed a bit of her personal information before signing out.

With a sigh, she was just about to close her computer when a thought struck her.

She turned her attention to a file she had been working on for quite some time.

The file was a collection of songs, much of it was in her native language but there were a spattering of English here and there. All of these... she had written. Since her birthday, her first birthday party the previous year, Jesse had been preoccupied with singing. She hadn't done so since the school talent show her senior year. But since the boys had told her not to bother with getting them a gift, she couldn't help but long for something to give them regardless.

And, after all she mused it would be excellent practice for her if she ever managed to put her _get famous fast_ plan into action.

Smiling as she thought about all the things she knew about her boys, she scrolled through the files, trying to find the perfect song.

**o0o**

The day was going great. Until at seven past 10 in the morning James got a call from his superiors. They had apologized, knowing he was on his paid leave of absence, but they desperately needed him to come in. Reluctantly he had agreed...

Which had caused a row with Ianto, who took it personally. No matter how hard James had tried to reassure him as he got dressed to go to work, Ianto was still having none of it.

So, James decided this would be a good time to take Rose to the dog sitter's on his way to the station. An angry text after he got to work instructed him to go pick up their tuxedos after he was through and go straight to the resort and check on the wedding arrangements.

It turned out they had needed James because a couple of gang members in a drug bust were alien, which meant they were his jurisdiction. This also meant he could get tied up for days with the problem. So after a few hours interrogation, James handed them back over to the drug squad with the remark that he was on vacation, and would soon be out of the country for a week so they may as well just deal with it themselves.

He got a few strange looks, his sergeant thanked him, and then he left. Angry because he was called in to do something the others could have very well done themselves. And angry that his row with Ianto had been over nothing after all.

He'd stopped by a cafe to get a tea, then picked up the tuxedos and grabbed a cab. He was never so thankful to be out of NYC in his life.

By the time he reached the resort, he was tired again. Tired from having been so wired and angry at how his day had turned out. But he was thankful it had gotten him out of Groomzilla's way.

As soon as he checked in and made sure everything for the next day was still set in stone, he texted Ianto to report in and then went straight to bed. He was tired, but not tired enough to sleep.

James was sure he would need all the rest he could get for the following day. It promised to be chaos. Controlled chaos, but chaos nonetheless.


	2. Chapter 2

**Title:** Amalgamate  
><strong>Series:<strong> Short Hops  
><strong>Fandoms:<strong> Doctor Who/Torchwood  
><strong>Fic!Verse:<strong> Resurrection!Verse  
><strong>Pairings:<strong> Ianto/OC, 11/River, Amy/Rory, implied 10/Jack  
><strong>Author:<strong> Z-sama (dA user _the-lady-harkness_)  
><strong>Beta:<strong> TWTL

_**This tale came out of hours spent watching Bridezillas. WE APOLOGIZE FOR NOTHING!  
><strong>Also, this story will make a wee bit more sense if you care to read the following... _**Torchwood: Resurrection**.

**DISCLAIMER:_ We don't own Torchwood. We don't own Doctor Who. We wish we could own them both, but we can't. Hell, we'd settle for the K9 spin-off pilot that failed many years ago... but sadly, we can't have that either. All of that is owned by the BBC._**

_**NO SPACE SHEEP WERE HARMED IN THE WRITING OF THIS FICTION.**_

* * *

><p>The day had so far been hectic. James had woken to a hasty breakfast and a striped woman perched at the end of his bed.<p>

James was slow to get going after he'd eaten. He always had been, really.

It had been obvious after his shower that Jesse's assigned role was to make sure he wouldn't be late. He was notorious for taking hours to get dressed just to go to the store. As he'd been brushing his teeth in naught but a hotel towel (worn on his shoulders like a cape) she had made it quite clear that he understood **exactly **what was expected of him today. No childishness and absolutely NO ridiculous and dangerous provocation of hostile aliens (as tended to happen on a regular basis.) And he was to wear the correct shoes as well.

After a bit of protest James agreed not to wear his trainers as he'd secretly been planning. He would wear the proper footwear, as he had promised the day before.

The moment Jesse had left him to check on things down in the ballroom James pulled out an overnight bag stashed under the bed. He hurriedly dug out two t-shirts and unrolled them onto the mussed blankets. There, in all their canvas glory, were his Converse brand trainers. He set them next to his tuxedo and grinned. At least he'd made sure they were new. Worn only once to break them in.

"And they're black," he said to himself, feeling quite smug as he returned to the bathroom to shave his face.

**o0o**

Guests were starting to arrive. That was... not right. Hours still before the ceremony was due to start... and yet here they were. The first four. Done up nice and smart.

Standing around in the middle of the ballroom and looking out of place as crews worked hard to finish decorating. Adding the last minute changes that they'd been ordered to implement first thing that morning.

As she got closer, Jesse spotted a familiar face. Nearly as young as she'd last seen her all those years ago.

"Amy Pond!"

The woman in the blue and purple dress turned around when called. A broad smile spread across her features. "Jessica!" Amy shouted back in excitement. The two women hugged and caught up quickly before the Doctor, quite dashing in his white jacket and black bowtie, interrupted.

"Yes. Hello there," he said. "I'm here, too."

Jesse smirked and rolled her eyes. "Oh, alright," she said. "You can have a hug, too."

"Actually, maybe later. We need to have a word."

The Sardosi frowned, looking past him to the fourth member of their little group. A woman she had seen only once before. But the Doctor took Jesse by the arm and pulled her away a bit.

"Hey, not so hard Doc," she said, pulling her arm away. "What's this all about then?"

"Two things actually. One, I'm going to arrive later. I'm only saying this because you need to keep me away from River."

"That's-"

"Yes. She hasn't met you yet... On her side. You're used to this sort of thing. I used to pop in and dash off again out of order. But seriously, keep the other me away from her. Or, at least don't leave me alone with River."

"Doc, I don't-"

"Second, I thought he was marrying Ianto-"

"Oh! Right! **That**," she said quickly. "I can help with that one. Only we know who he really is. That name on the invites is his alias. Can't let UNIT or anyone else find out where he is and all that."

"Ah..." the Doctor said in understanding."Right. Well then all that's left now is to find James and see how he's coming along."

Jesse sighed. "In his room, under strict orders not to leave until he's told to. You know how trouble seems to gravitate towards him," she said as he strode off past his companions.

Not having much else to do, and now stuck with the three early guests, Jesse sighed. "Come on you three," she called over to them. "Let's check out the bar."

**o0o**

James had just gotten his pants up when the door of his suite burst open.

"Don't people bloody knock anymore!" he snapped, storming into the small sitting room from his bedroom. He was ready to start shouting and swearing if he had to. But when he caught sight of the Time Lord in a bowtie, he came to a dead stop beside a small table with a lamp.

"Hello," the Doctor said, giving a small wave and a smile.

James frowned, and the Doctor's smile wavered. They both thought what James was about to say, but the detective said it anyway. "I was hoping the other one would-"

"Oh, I'll be here," he replied, his smile getting bigger. "Yours is so cool I came twice." He gestured to the open door behind him. "Plus the Ponds needed a lift. That was pretty clever, convincing a Graske to time jump with the invitations."

"Ah," was all James could say, his anger fading to annoyance. "So..."

"Right. Brought a date. Hope you don't mind. You remember River."

"Vaguely... You brought her, bring her to-"

"Brought. Smashing party you two threw. The little fish finger custard cakes... Anyway. This is where she meets you lot. So be nice."

James shook his head with a sigh. If he hadn't had the strange non-linear visits from a time traveling alien as a child, he would never have been able to understand statements like that. But here he was, treating it like the most normal thing in the world. Chuckling even.

After a few more awkward moments James left him, intending to finish getting ready for his big day. Eventually the Doctor excused himself, but not before pointing out that his bowtie was crooked.

In response James had only growled in annoyance. He absolutely HATED bowties... But Ianto had insisted...

**o0o**

Time was ticking down. He was starting to get nervous. Not for himself, oh no. This daft idea of getting married had been his in the first place. He wasn't even nervous for Ianto's sake either.

He was nervous because the Doctor was around and nothing was blowing up. The world wasn't being invaded. And the universe wasn't in a general state of _OMGWTF_. There was too much quiet. Too much peace and stillness.

And he just **knew** something terrible was going to happen.

James just slipped his arms into his jacket when, as if on cue, the door to his suite burst open again. And the Doctor, the bowtie, had returned. "Nothing to worry about. Everything's fine. Just checking on you. And you're fine! Great!"

James stared at him in confusion as the Doctor clapped his hands and rubbed them together.

"What's going on?"

"Nothing. Just your wedding," the Doctor replied, checking his watch. "Nearly there now."

"Doctor... What-"

Before he could repeat himself, Jesse burst through the doorway with Rory right behind her. "He's not in here! Search the next floor!" she snapped and Rory was gone.

Frustrated, James tugged at his crooked bowtie and undid it entirely. Then raked a hand through his hair, causing it to muss up again. "Would someone PLEASE-?"

"You just need to stay calm," The Doctor said. "Stay calm and stay in here."

"Oh good lord... We're being invaded again, aren't we?" In a split second James the nervous bridegroom reverted to the hardboiled copper. The rugged, and currently sharp dressed, soldier. "Damage control. I need my sonic screwdriver, a cup of damn fine cocoa, and Ianto's stopwatch. Move! We don't have time to waste!" He charged for the door, but stopped when Jesse put her hand up and pushed against his chest.

"Yeah..." she said. "About that..."

"Your fiancé's missing," the Doctor said, then added curiously. "And so are all the gelatin desserts."

**o0o**

Ianto didn't know what to make of his current situation. One moment he's standing in the elevator on his way up to check on James. The next his new tuxedo is covered in cherry flavored jell-o, he's staring at a blank wall, and there are voices that sound like the munchkins from _The Wizard of Oz_.

One thing he is certain of, however, is that he was furious at the thought of missing his own wedding.

One thing he was very uncertain of was why he was covered in jell-o. It just didn't make any sense.

**o0o**

River chose that moment to look for the Doctor and her father. And it was a good thing she did, too because if she hadn't been waiting for the elevator she never would have found a certain Time Lord... Who when the lift chimed and the doors opened was being held inches off the ground and shaken quite roughly by a very annoyed man in a lovely tuxedo.

Neither man noticed her until they heard her very distinctive laugh. As one they turned their heads towards her.

"Sweetie, you haven't been making trouble for the locals without me, have you?"

James growled at her, but set the Doctor back on his feet, ripping his attention away from her and focusing his frustration back on the Doctor. "If you don't tell me **exactly** what's going on I'll personally see to it your next regeneration is **extremely** pain filled."

River continued to smile, but discretely reached for the miniature revolver tucked into the bodice of her dress. The Doctor looked at her from the corner of his eyes, shooting her a warning glance.

As she pulled the revolver, she was unexpectedly greeted by a click and a slight buzzing sound. James and River stood, arms side by side, pointing their weaponry straight at the other's face.

He was fast, she noticed. As fast as she was, and that took quite a considerable amount of skill. She hadn't seen that coming. "Oooh," she said, teasingly. "Didn't your parents ever teach you not to point a gun at a lady?"

He smirked, holding the device even before spinning it on his finger and lowering his arm. He tucked it back into the tuxedo jacket's inner pocket. "Yes," he said. "And it isn't a gun. It's a finite matter displacement field generator."

"Oh," she said, lowering her own weapon and raising a brow. She shifted her stance from one of fierce and hostile protection to that of playful amusement.

The Doctor groaned. He'd seen that same sudden shift so many times, usually right before groaning and telling a certain Captain to _stop it_.

"I love a man with a firm grasp on improbability theory and the laws of thermodynamics."

"River, don't," the Doctor said, adopting the same tone he had used so many times with Jack.

"Oh you're just jealous."

"No, I'm not. Really I'm not."

"Yes sweetie, you are."

James sighed and pinched between his eyes in thought. His fiancé had disappeared. Somehow all of the jell-o had gone with him. And now he was in an elevator, a woman standing in the doorway blocking them from sliding closed, and all he wanted was a nice cup of hot cocoa.

A few more minutes of listening to their background bickering passed before he'd had enough. "Oi!" he snapped, silencing them. "Oh... Wow... Didn't think that would actually work," he said in surprise. Then he cleared his throat. "Look, I have a major problem here. And I need it fixed. NOW. If you two are done flirting, let's have some suggestions, yeah."

**o0o**

Amy, Rory, and Jesse had come back to the main lobby of the resort. Each equally at a loss of what to do or to say.

"We've searched every inch of this place," Rory said. "And still no sign of the missing groom."

Amy nodded. "Nobody's seen him for hours. And the other guests are starting to arrive. If we don't find him soon-"

"Jell-o!" Jesse exclaimed suddenly, stealing their attention with her random outburst. But it wasn't so random after all, as she said, "The jell-o disappeared at the exact same time! Come on, I have an idea!" With one hand she lifted the skirts of her dress just enough to run. "To the kitchens!" she cried with Amy and Rory following close behind.

**o0o**

Ianto sat on the floor. He was bored. But worse than that he was growing impatient. It wasn't because he'd been kidnapped. No. His past working with Torchwood, and his bizarre life after, had shown him that being kidnapped actually wasn't half bad in the long run. It gave you time to sit back, relax, and think of a good plan. Or something witty to say. It was only an occasional minor inconvenience and was only a mild contributor to his irritation and impatience.

And only a little of his impatience was from the fact that every time he looked at his watch he was reminded of his impending wedding and how he'd spent so long planning it... Only to not even enjoy the bloody thing.

"There's a year of my life I'll never get back," he muttered to himself in utter boredom.

The main contributor to his irritation was the fact he still had no explanation for the cherry jell-o. Nor who or what had kidnapped him.

His only clue had been the voices of munchkins and the occasional bleating noises from beyond the wall.

Ianto had a sneaking suspicion there was a sheep behind that wall. Or at least a mildly agitated goat.

He did not have to wait long, and when the wall behind him slid open he stood and turned to look. And there stood a rather strange sight to greet him.

"You've got to be kidding me..."

An old, gray snout protruded from a fluffy, woolly head of white. A red string held the dirty black cloth to the side of its head, covering an eye. One ear was on the left, and on the right was only the gnarled, ragged bit of scar tissue where an ear had once been.

The head looked so bizarre on that bipedal body, yet it seemed to match so naturally. Its mouth opened and the creature gave a bleat of disgust.

"This is not the wife," it said with a bellow.

"No," came one of the munchkin-like voices, and now Ianto could see smaller beasts similar to their leader. "But the records indicate that this is the mate."

"Impossible!" the bigger of the creatures bellowed angrily, giving another bleat.

"Humans are strange, Captain. They do not follow biological common sense. They... are disgusting."

"Indeed..." the captain bleated, stroking the bottom of his snout in thought.

Ianto stared at its face, taking a step back as he thought about how he was going to escape. But then... he laughed. He couldn't help it. Finally, he could understand his lover's obsessive hatred towards the species _ovis aries_.

Apparently, the captain of these sheep-men didn't find his laughter amusing. "Get it cleaned up!" the battle scarred captain bleated. "At least we can use it as a hostage. And get someone in here to clear up all this jiggly fruit!"

**o0o**

No one noticed the wheezing sound that permeated the air. No one noticed the big blue box fading into existence in the gardens outside the windows of the ballroom. And certainly no one noticed the man stepping out, clad in a simple and sleek black tuxedo, glasses, and trainers.

All of this could have been a good thing, these curiosities going unnoticed, had one wedding guest not glanced at a clock as he and two others trod down the hallway, searching rooms.

"Oh no..." he muttered, his worries now compounded by the fact that while helping solve a crisis he couldn't remember ever happening, he must now ensure that he not bump into his wife too soon... Or the other way 'round.

"River," he said suddenly. "I think I left the psychic paper upstairs."

"No you didn't, sweetie."

"Screwdriver?"

"Left inside pocket, love."

"Top hat?"

"Didn't bring it with you, dear."

"Jammie dodger?"

She reached for his arm and pulled him back to look at her. "Are you trying to get rid of me?"

At the same moment the Doctor said _no_, James said _yes_. Unable to take any more of this banter, James sighed. "Doctor," he said wearily. "When did you arrive?"

The Doctor knew without thinking about it what his son was asking. Not when he had arrived with River and the others, but when he _arrived_ as his former self. "Gardens. Seven minutes ago."

"Good. You stay with her," James said, glancing at his watch. "I'm going to have a chat with... You know."

"But that didn't, **doesn't** happen," the Doctor said with a worried expression. "In no universe has that happened. Ever."

"Well it just did. You and River look for Jess and the Ponds. I'll... I'll think of something. If you-"

"We'll call," River said with a nod, taking her husband by the arm again. "Let's go find mum and dad, yes."

They left James standing in the hall. He raked a hand through his once tamed hair. It was now apooft... and not with amusement. He needed to talk to the Doctor, _**his**_ Doctor, before the two met. Having more than one, he knew, could seriously make things go very wibbly-wobbly.


End file.
